X NO SEI TO SHI: STEP 1
5. Subete o Kaeta hide no Shi
[The Death of hide, Which Changed Everything]

hide died.

I heard this on the day that hide's remains were enshrined at the funeral home in Shinagawa.

Naturally, I panicked. Then, I called a taxi and got in, but I had no idea where I should go.

The truth is that it was not really told to anyone what funeral home hide had been placed in. Everyone was panicking just like me, and didn't know whether the information that had been given was accurate. The information was also very complicated, so the only thing I was told was the general location.

Because the taxi driver also didn't know when I asked him, I was in such a hurry that I got out of the taxi and started running around looking for it.

I have no idea exactly how many kilometers I ran. I just kept running and running...halfway, I couldn't breathe, and normally my legs would have been hurting and I would have stopped running, but no matter what, I couldn't stop.

And then suddenly I found the place.

Though the viewing hours at the funeral home were until 10 PM, I barely made it there at the last minute. Somehow, I got inside.

I was told hide's whereabouts and they showed me to him.

"Ah, there is a god," I said, and I thanked them as I gasped for breath.

I was the very last person in the viewing hall, and I had a five-minute meeting with hide.

Lying in the casket, hide's face looked proud and noble, a true forward-looking rock and roller to the end.

I was still surprised and stunned, and couldn't believe the reality before my eyes.

Suddenly, I cried out to hide.

"Oi, why are you sleeping?"

The next day, hide's 3-day private funeral started at Tsukijihonwan Temple, and it went on all night.

I never imagined that I would meet the members of X after such a long time in a place like this, with such a sad expression on our faces.

However, coming before the casket that held hide's body, the words that came from our mouths were just:

"What music have you been listening to lately?"

Though we were all musicians, though we were meeting again after a long time, I thought that maybe this was not the occasion for conversations like that.

But�call of us talked about that on purpose. None of us could grasp the fact that hide was no longer living on this earth. We were trying to avoid the truth of "hide's death."

Didn't all of us want to think that hide hadn't saddened us and made everything painful?

But all the same, we couldn't stop our overflowing tears. Yoshiki, Toshi, Pata, and also me�c

We had only exchanged brief words with hide's family, and hadn't said much in the past. That was why this time, we thought we would go to hide's real family.

After hide's death, the media said many things.

Suicide, accident�c

But I think that it couldn't have been anything but an accident. No, that's the only thing I can think.

Usually, a guitarist hangs his strap over his shoulder, and his neck will get sore from headbanging. So he goes in for a massage where his neck is stretched out, and it's possible to heal it like that. hide was doing that with a towel on a doorknob, and died. And because he had been drinking, he must have dropped off to sleep.

It's often said,"When he strangled himself, he was just trying to accomplish the opposite�c" hide also gradually became aware of what he was doing. I really believe this.

When hide died, everything inside me changed.

In particular, that first year afterwards was painful. I denied it, and was very hard on myself. I kept drinking, and I kept being confused.

Then I thought about hide's dying wish and the fact that there was something I had to do.

That was: music. I resolved to start music again.

So then, I thought that everyone should think more about what "life and death" was. The result of my thinking was that I thought that I should have my own opinions and purpose, and if I reached the answer to what I was living for, that was all that mattered.

Now, I am walking and looking ahead.

This strength is what hide has presented me with. What did hide's life mean to me? But I can't find the words to answer that question.

There are too many answers to that for me to put them into words.